Cool. How did one become this all-important word? Like the Periodic Table, cool was always hanging in the foreground and yet always beyond my comprehension.
As I entered the ranks of middle schooler, with awe and humility I kneeled in front of the King of Growing Up as he knighted me, calling me to fight for this title’s cause with dignity and honor for the next seven years. “I knight you, Sir Paul, The Teenager. I call you to purge yourself of all embarrassing things that might hinder your new, glorious name. Fight for thy popularity. Fight for thy image. Arise and make thyself cool. Arise!”
This was serious business. I mean, I was getting knighted, for middle-school-sakes! And while I had not an idea what was cool, it was clear three things that weren’t, and therefore needed to go, and quickly.
3. Sweatpants
Sweatpants had always been my staple piece of clothing, the foundation of every outfit. Blue, green, brown, black, or purple, it did not matter the color. Pants that were designed for me to perspire in could make any shade of purple feel manly.
Building on top of sweatpants, I’d adorn myself in something usually in the No Fear, Big Dog variety. My favorite Big Dog shirt was a dog wearing a cowboy hat, holding his bandaged foot, saying You Shot my Paw. How Big Dog came up with such witty puns I hadn’t a clue, but sweatpants combined with the power of Big Dog, was unstoppable. Or least so I’d thought.
When I wasn’t wearing Big Dog, I was wearing a range of Christian Camp shirts that said things like, The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing. But it was becoming quite clear that a Christian Camp T-shirt above an aqua pair of sweatpants, was just not putting me on the Middle School A-list.
I know. It didn’t make sense to me either.
2. School
It had never been a popular activity, but now in it’s middled stages, it’s popularity fell somewhere between Full House and getting a tetanus shot. Obviously rebelling against any aspect of school, whether it be homework, classes, teachers, tests – basically anything associated to the evils of scholarly attributes, was clearly the no-brainer, popular route.
1. Mom
Yes the woman who reared me. Any obvious attachment or public display of affection with her was not smart. She was a great lady, sure. She had done quite a bit to get me there – gave birth, clothed, fed, loved, you know, simple things like that. But holding hands, kissing my cheek, or giving me a hug before school in front of a myriad of 7th grade vultures, ready to swoop on any motherly affection, was clearly a cool death.
That was just three of many un-cool imperfections that went into the teeange fire. What unpopularity’s did you guys purge when you were knighted Teen?
