The Awkward of Work – #5: Post-Bathroom Handshake

In honor of the awkward place we call work, here’s the beginning of my Top Five Countdown of those awkward moments that are the most.

#5 – Post-Bathroom Handshake

It’s 10:30 am. Your coffee IV has been pumping since 8:00 am, with all of Starbuck’s best rushing rapidly right up to the point of no return. You feel the dam beginning to crack, so in controlled panic you stand up to go release the valve lest some innocent bystanders get drenched.

Out the cubicle, passed the front desk, through the door, down the hall, to the left…hold on man, for the love of God, hold on…through the swinging glass doors, down another short hall…the sweet anticipation of white porcelain dancing through your head like a circus bear.

The bathroom door now in sight, your walk picking up into slow canter, you reach your hand out to open this bathroom-heaven, when…oh no…please God...no…out walks Frank, the forty-five year old associate boss, who wouldn’t annoy you so much if he actually learned the art of brushing one’s teeth, and didn’t lord his seniority over you like a big brother who just watched his first R rated movie.

Seriously contemplating running through Frank like you’re a bull and he’s on the streets of Pamplona, you are forced to a halt when Frank stops you with the worst of the worst, a nightmare on steroids…the extension of his right hand!

This is a lose-lose-lose-lose-situation.

Lose #1 – You slither past Frank and his outstretched limb, with a quick shimmy-dance and mumble of I really got to go, thus leaving his hand (and scowl) hanging there in the undeniable middle of you’re now staying late for the next five Saturdays.

Lose #2 – You extend yours and are met in return with a much-too-dry-hand, leaving not even the faintest chance that he actually washed it. So as Frank talks about the report that he needs by Friday, hand firmly cupping yours, you are imaging all the places that hand has been in the last twenty seconds.

Lose # 3 – You go for the shake and are met with a hand that is way too wet – that clammy, moist kind of wet. As your hands go up and down,  your mind races: This is water right. Yeah this has to be water… What if this is not water. Who would do that? Oh my gosh…

Lose #4 – The handshake acts as some kind of pump, releasing a steady stream of fluid down your leg, over your shoe, and into a puddle on the floor that neither party can take their eye off.

Umm…if you’d excuse me Frank. If I could just get past you.

There’s still a little more left.